[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hi there, I'm Denise King, the heart behind CD King Naturals, where self love meets natural wellness. With over 29 years as a compassionate nurse and a passion for empowering you, I've created a space to help you embrace bliss, balance and confidence. From personalized coaching sessions and E courses to empowering self care ebooks, everything we do is designed to inspire you to thrive. Why choose us? Because we're not just a business. We're a movement for self love, empowerment and holistic living. Ready to take the next steps? Visit us [email protected] your journey to bliss starts here. Empowering Self Love naturally. [00:00:55] Speaker B: Hello, hello, hello and welcome. Come on into the podcast Hot Mess Unfiltered. I am your host, Denise King, and today we're going to start to work on having our love, our mess and healing meet for one good purpose. So in this podcast, we're going to admit our mistakes, we're going to unpack our trauma, and we're going to talk about our love lives and maybe, just maybe, finally figure out why we keep texting people and picking people who are clearly not good for us. Now raise your hand if you ever said I'm not done with I'm done with toxic people. Put put a heart in in in the comments. Also put a heart in the comments if you said I'm going to start picking the right person for me and putting myself first. This is hot mess Unfiltered. You're in the right place and we're going to drag our patterns into the light just like receipts. So the place we are all have at one time or another been a hot mess. And why are we all messes? Well, let me tell you why. Most of us weren't raised on love. We were raised on don't you embarrass me in this grocery store energy or we didn't get emotional intelligence. We got Stop crying before I give you something to cry about. And now here we are, adults trying to love people without biting them. Being a hot mess isn't a flaw. It's a side effect of surviving life, family, trauma, dating apps, and any other group projects people want to get into. Now, on paper, I'm someone who helps people love themselves. In real life, I had to learn the hard way because life kept handing me the same lessons. You're going to keep repeating it until you get it. And I finally got it. I lost myself in relationships. I over and over again until I resent, over gave, until I resented the people I was given to. I beg for bare Minimum affection. Like it came with a free shipping label. But I've healed, relapsed, heal again. I've grown, I've spiraled, I've glowed up, I've cried in cars, in parking lots. And does that sound familiar to anybody? Because if it does, we're already best friends. So let's talk about self love. Self love isn't always cute. Okay, the real version I'm talking about, I'm not talking about that bubble bath by with some wine and some candles. And I'm not talking about that. The version that I'm talking about looks messy, painful, quiet, uncomfortable, but it is necessary. So somewhere along the way, self love became aesthetic. It was the candles, skin care, all that stuff is good and it is something that we deserve to do for ourselves. Cute, but not complete. Real self love is setting boundaries that make people uncomfortable again. Not make you uncomfortable, make other people uncomfortable. And why would you set boundaries? I'll give it to you in a nutshell. Setting boundaries protects you from the bullshit because people already know where you're coming from. It's also choosing rest without feeling guilty just because someone wants you to do something for them but you want to rest, you don't have to do it and you don't have to feel guilty about it. Letting go of people that you prayed for. You know, we're like, oh, I'm gonna pray for you. You let that go. That that's bullshit and telling the truth even when you're a little scared. Because self love is the moment you say, I'm not abandoning myself anymore. Sometimes self love looks like crying in your car, dialing that man or that woman's number over and over again. And you know, you don't need to be talking to them. Realizing you deserve better and realizing that means you're going to have to change something about yourself. Not settling just because someone talks to you or someone is interested in you or shows you a little tension. You don't run and settle for the first person that smiles at you. Don't respond to foolishness. Don't ever chase anybody. Someone that's really interested in you will be available to you and you don't have to chase them. If you're running a marathon, chasing you're with the wrong person and not fixing. We're not in the business of fixing mates and fixing partners. If you've got to do all this work to fix your partner, then they need to move on and go along the way. When you start healing, you think you're going to have this great Big surge of energy. No. In the beginning. Sometimes it feels lonely, sometimes it feels quiet. And sometimes it feels like starting over again. But you're not. You're not failing. You're just evolving. And the peace and the quiet is something good. So here's three things you can do right now. Say no without explaining. You don't have to tell them why you're saying no. The answer is just no. A boundary is a complete sentence. Don't try to make it look cute. And do not make it an hour long lecture nobody hears, nobody really wants to stand and listen to it. Be direct. Let yourself feel you can't heal what you don't admit to. If you are a people pleaser or you're all the time looking for someone else to validate, you admit that. Because remember, we live in a world of social media dating apps and we're always looking at this person, oh, they're beautiful. Oh, they're cute. Oh, they're skinny. You don't need that. The only person that needs to validate you is you. And once you validate yourself, then you actually be become someone that someone may choose. But nobody wants a pick me dog. That's the worst. Be gentle with your progress. You are not going to wake up tomorrow, write in a journal, some words and all of a sudden you're healed. It doesn't work like that. It is really a process that you have to go through. And sometimes you just got to call yourself out for your own bad behaviors. And if you're with someone and you leave someone who feels like home but treats you like a hobby, that's not home. Guys, you have to sit with your feelings that you used to drown with distractions. We're not distracting now. We're actually going to take that deep dive and look and see who it is that we are. And those people that are around you, your inner circle, you might just have to tell them to shut the fuck up and sit down. You doing this on your own, you don't need that Self love is emotional crossfit. Okay? And nobody tells you those detox symptoms where you have that urge to go back to that relationship, you know it's not right or you feel like, well, I gotta find somebody else. So what you do is you find someone else. Just like that person that has a different haircut. You still haven't solved your problem. You're going to have to sit with it and solve your problem and learn to love yourself. Because no one else can love you more than you love yourself. And you might be Tempted to self sabotage because you feel lonely. That's normal. That's human. And that's exactly what we're talking about. So why do we choose chaos? Well, we were raised on. A lot of us were raised on struggle, love. You know, we think passion equals pain. We think that being chosen, chosen is more important than choosing ourselves. We think a partner that ignores us for six to eight hours a day is just busy. But we are able to call them and say, why are you acting weird? We learn the wrong things, okay? Men learn to shut it down to survive. Don't cry. Don't act weak. Don't act empathetic. That's not how life works. Women, we learn that we have to earn love. That's not how life works. And we have to break that mindset and we have to break that habit. Sometimes during this healing process, you're going to be crying. You're going to listen to the same old sad love songs that you used to listen to with that person that was absolutely no good for you. But you're not texting back and you're not going to call. And then you say, why do I keep picking the same person? Because they're comfortable to you. But comfort does not always mean that it's good for you. And you're feeling lonely because you stopped settling. You may have had a whole bunch of people that wanted to date you and go out with you, but that's because you were settling and you were playing pick me. You don't want to do that. Here's some questions I want you to ask yourself. What version of yourself are you finally done carrying around? What boundary, if you set it today, could change your life? And what relationship pattern are you ready to break? And who am I when I'm not performing? Love. And that's what a lot of times that is what we do. We as women, we are taught to perform, and we don't want to be doing that. So next time we're going to talk about red flags. And because some of us run through red flags like we're in a marathon and we're just pushing them out of the way and saying, well, God sent me this man. Well, we're going to talk about these red flags. And another thing that we're going to consider is, are you the red flag? So I want to thank you all for joining me this evening. Please don't forget to like and comment. Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and subscribe to my podcast on YouTube. Also go to my website. It's cdking natural truths.com. and in my website you will see that I do have some self love journals. Those journals have very specific prompts in them and they ask deep questions. It's just not a book that has a bunch of pages. It actually digs down into the meat of some of what we were talking about today. So please stop by my website and take a look at those. Also I have a book, learning to Love Yourself, a guide for highly self critical women. And sometimes we are our own worst enemy because we're so critical of ourselves. Take a look at this book. It's an easy read and make sure that you pick it up and just make sure that you start working on yourself. Understand no one's going to do it for you but you. You're gonna have to put yourself first and say, okay, I'm ready to do this. If you enjoy this podcast again, please like it. Leave a heart. Drop me a message and in your message or DM me and tell me what are some things that you would like to have help with and we can talk about those things on our next live. Also, if you have a specific problem, please feel free to DM me and let me know what it is or send me a letter to my email or which is cdkingnaturalsmail.com and we will read your letter now it will be anonymous. I won't tell your name or anything. And so that we can see if we can also talk with other people that may be having these same questions but are afraid to speak up. But what I do want you to do is let's start healing, let's be serious about it and let's stop being a hot mess. We all have been, but we can also change that and we don't have to be a hot mess again. If you want to DM me, you can DM me on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok or you can send me an email at cdkingnaturals Gmail.com and my pages on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok are CD king natural. I really hope that you enjoy the podcast today. If you're still here listening, then that lets me know that I didn't scare you away. Because I'm not trying to do that. But I want us all to live a fulfilled life. We're not going to be happy every day, but we absolutely have to work toward feeling better about ourselves and making better relationship choices. So until next week, remember, glow up, love yourself and be ready for our next episode. Thank you for joining. Bye bye.