[00:00:00] Speaker A: You.
[00:00:03] Speaker B: Let's be real. Life doesn't always glow. Sometimes it unravels. This is Hot Mess Unfiltered, where self love gets real, relationships get messy, and healing gets loud. We're talking about all of it. Love, boundaries, triggers growth, the patterns you keep repeating, and the truth you keep avoiding. Whether you're a man, woman, lover, fighter, overthinker, or I'm done. But let me check my phone one more time. Time. This is for you. Expect laughs, clarity, hard truths, and real healing. If you're ready to grow, glow, cry a little, laugh a lot, and finally love yourself harder. Press play. Hot Mess Unfiltered. We heal out loud.
[00:00:52] Speaker A: All right, let's get comfortable.
Welcome back to Hot Mess Unfiltered, the podcast where we stop romanticizing struggle and start telling the damn truth. Now, today's episode is called Loving People who Aren't Ready for you. And if you felt that title in your chest, well, then, this is the podcast for you. Now, this is for people who keep showing up, hoping this time will be different.
In loving hard, communicating clearly, doing the emotional work, and somehow you still end up feel like they're asking for too much.
So let me say this slowly so it lands. You are not too much.
What's going on is you're loving someone who is not enough for you right now. And that doesn't make them evil, but it does make the situation painful. So today, we're going to break this down into four parts. Why we engage in this behavior. The pain of loving someone who can't meet you, where you are, accepting the truth even when it hurts, and loving yourself enough to walk away. So let's get into it.
What do we do?
Let's start with what's going to be an uncomfortable honesty. We don't fall in love with emotional, emotionally unavailable people by accident. Because somewhere deep down, a lot of us has learned that love means effort, proving, waiting, fixing, or earning.
So when someone gives us crumbs instead of consistency, our nervous system says, oh, yeah, this feels familiar.
But familiar familiarity is not the same as healthy. A lot of us were raised in environments where love wasn't consistent, emotional needs were minimized, and we had to adapt to survive. So now, as adults, we mistake emotional distance for mystery. Oh, I got me a mysterious man. Or potential with promise.
So we tell ourselves, well, they just need more time or they've been through a lot, or if I love them hard enough, they'll see my value.
Let me make this very clear.
Love is not a rehab program.
You are not a therapist.
A mother, a life coach to your partner. And listen, compassion is beautiful, but empathy turns into self abandonment.
And that's when it gets dangerous. Because some of us stay because we're afraid of starting over. Because being alone is scarier than the disappointment of this person not being who we thought they were. So we accept. Half communication, mixed signals, inconsistent effort, and we call it love.
But love shouldn't feel like you're constantly waiting for some to someone to arrive. So here's the pain of loving someone who can't meet you where you are.
And this is the part nobody talks about. Sorry guys.
Because this pain is quiet.
It's not always dramatic fights or them going out cheating on you. It's a slow erosion of your self worth.
It's like feeling needy for asking for basic respect and rehearsing conversations in your head so you don't ask for too much on making yourself smaller so they don't feel overwhelmed. So then you start questioning yourself like what the hell wrong with me?
Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting too much?
Should I just be more patient?
No.
Let me tell you something. If you have to constantly convince someone to show up, they already telling you they can't. Because if they wanted to, they would. And loving someone who isn't ready feels like being emotionally present with someone who stays emotionally distant, being clear while they stay vague and being intentional while they stay comfortable. For example, you might have a woman who's in a relationship with a man. He hugs her every day and she says that's affection. I think his feelings are changing.
But guess what? Men can enjoy an emotional closeness without commitment. So when a man wants to commit, it's going to be his behaviors and his words that will line up.
Because like I said before, if they wanted to, they would.
It shouldn't feel like you're doing emotional labor. Like you got to initiate all the conversations, carrying the emotional weight, explaining your feelings over and over again.
And eventually you'll feel lonely inside the relationship. And that kind of loneliness hits different because you're not alone, they're just not seeing you.
And here's the hardest part. They might care about you, they may even love you in their own limited way. But care without capacity still hurts. And intent does not erase the impact that their behavior has upon you.
So sometimes we just got to accept the truth, even if it hurts, right? This is, this just ain't the man for us or the woman for us.
This is a turning point.
Now acceptance doesn't mean that you blame because it's not a blame game.
But it's about behaving what, like what you believe in, what they're showing you.
For example, I think one of the biggest red flags in dating is not what he says, but how vague he says it. Women. Here, let's see where this is going. But what he's actually doing is keeping his options open. But he still wants you to act like you're his girlfriend. Don't be crazy. Don't do that.
You are no one's option, and you have to believe that in yourself.
So when that truth hurts because it shatters that story we were holding on to, we had this whole romantic story. We were going to get engaged, we're going to get married, had children, white picket fits. That's bullshit. Because you picked the wrong person.
You can't pick the wrong person and think your dreams are going to come true. And honestly, even if you pick the right person, everything that you got made up in your head may not happen.
But we don't grieve that person how they are, because that person is comfortable. They're fine. They're not committed. They don't have to do shit for you, because as far as they're concerned, they got you. Oh, they like me, but they're not willing to change. So I'm away. And how long are you gonna wait?
Because while you're sitting there waiting on this person, someone that is truly good for you is gonna pass you by.
So we grieve that version of the person that we imagine them to be, but when we accept that this is not the person for us, it's not going the way that it should.
Stop wasting your damn time.
You cannot change someone, and you can't make someone love you that doesn't.
So you gotta let go of the fantasy. You got to release that hope that love alone will transform them. Remember, we're not therapists. We're not psychiatrists. We're not their mothers. And damn it, I'm all to be. You need to come to the relationship correct.
You got to choose reality over illusion. And here's something else I need you to know.
Someone not being ready for you doesn't mean that you're not unlovable.
It means you're ahead of them emotionally and staying stuck, waiting for them to catch up. It only delays your healing because then you keep going back to the same bullshit and going through the same nonsense, and you're like a hamster on the wheel that's not getting anywhere but going round and round in circles. And then you start feeling real bad about yourself.
And it's bad to be in a relationship with some someone and still be lonely.
You're better off getting out of that relationship and finding somebody that will give you what you need.
So what does that mean?
You gotta love yourself enough to walk away.
And walking away doesn't mean that you didn't love them deeply enough. Because it has nothing to do with you except for you saving yourself.
It means you finally loved yourself more. It means you chose peace over potential, clarity over chaos. If someone never really says they love you, but says, well, I love this about you, honey, they're not on the same page as you.
You got to listen to the word gymnastics, because that's all it is.
It's a bunch of word gymnastics. And understand they're getting something out of being with you.
For some, it's a place to stay, it's a place to live. It's a bed, partner.
But then they move on.
So you have to get clarity over that chaos.
You have to get self respect over that struggle. And then what does walking away looks like?
Well, it means honoring your boundaries even when it hurts.
And resisting the urge to over explain. You know, people always say I need closure. You don't need no closure. Closure is when you close the door and their ass on the other side.
Closure is when you stop calling them. Closure is when you take their phone number out of your phone and stop calling them. That's all the closure you need. Any of this, I got to work through this with that. You don't owe them shit.
Walk away.
And then trusting that consistency is the bare minimum. You need more than just a consistent man. Hell, you can have a consistent man that that lies to you every damn day. And he consistently lies.
That's not what you're looking for in a relationship.
And I'm gonna say what I'm getting ready to say to you gently, but I mean it firmly.
You can't love somebody into being ready for you.
Either they are on your level or they are not.
You can't keep dealing with someone that more than likely will never get there because they're not wired that way. That's not what they want.
They have to want to grow.
They have to choose healing.
And they have to meet you halfway. And if they can't do that, honey, you wasting your time.
Move on.
You don't punish yourself by staying, because that's what you're doing. But I'm gonna stay. And maybe they'll change. And then 15 years down the road, you still stuck with this same man with his little Dick energy and wanting you to be submissive and do everything he wants to do all, and he's not giving you a damn thing in return. See, now when you start doing that, that's when you're kind of being stupid.
That person has to choose healing.
They have to meet you. And if they can't, don't punish yourself by staying.
Don't wait it out again. You waiting it out is going to mean that you're going to spend so much of your time waiting on this person to mature and grow where they may be giving you all that they really have right now.
So what are you waiting for?
And don't dim your light ever for anybody.
You know, some people are introverts, some people are extroverts. So you may meet a man that is a lot more outgoing than you, that's fine.
But you don't dim yourself and make yourself small to make him be seen.
That right there should tell you that there is something wrong with that relationship that you feel that you have to make yourself little so he can be seen. That tells you this man ain't on your level. Because a man that's on your level, you don't have to dim for him.
And he's gonna also be there to make sure that you're seen and that you're you. You know, you're at the forefront.
And then leave with compassion, but without regrets. I guess that means don't cuss him out on your way out.
And I would tell you not to do that, but I'm not going to give you advice that I wouldn't take myself. But anyway, because the right person is not going to make you beg for communication, effort and emotional safety. They'll meet you where they are, not where they hope to be someday. That's like raising a kid. You raise your kid up and you hope they do the right thing, but you don't have any control over the situation because they're yours and you're stuck with them. But you do have control of this situation. When you're dealing with someone that's not right for you, they're not going to change. Because if they were going to change, they would do it. And if you get ready to say, well, you got to get out, we're not doing this relationship. And all of a sudden I'll change our change, you know what that means?
They could have done that all along instead of putting you through that emotional hell.
So if you're listening to me and you're realizing that you loving somebody who isn't Ready?
Be gentle with yourself. You're not weak. You're not stupid.
You weren't even desperate. But you were human.
You were hopeful. You were hoping that this relationship would work out and you could live happily ever after.
You have a person that has a lot of love to give, and you were trying to share that love.
But now you know better.
And knowing better gives you power.
It gives you the power to walk away. It gives you the power to set boundaries. It gives you power to ask for what you want. And it also gives you the power to say, I'm not dealing with this shit. I'm out.
And here's something else I want you to carry with you.
Love should feel safe, mutual, steady.
Not like a constant test of your worth. If you feel like you're always having to jump through hoops to get someone to love you, that's not the person for you. Because love doesn't require that.
I find that if you're in a situation. I know when I was at work and I might have this one person that was constantly worrying me, I would write down on the calendar what happened. This is the date it happened. This is the time it happened.
So that when the time came and I truly had to do something about it, I had all my information right there in front of you.
Sometimes when you take the time to write down what you see, you can go back and you can see those paths of those patterns.
So journal it.
Talk to your therapist or your coach or your best friend.
And if you still feel like you need permission to walk away, consider this.
You deserve someone who's ready. Not someday, not eventually, but now.
Make sure that you keep yourself first and that you protect and guard your heart.
So I'm getting ready to end the podcast now. And if there was someone that you think can benefit from this, share it. If this episode hit a nerve with you or kind of stirred something up and you, made you think or look at your life a little differently, good, because that's what we're here to do. We don't sugarcoat. We get real, we get honest, and we grow through it. Remember, healing isn't always pretty.
Growth isn't always comfortable. And self love, well, it requires that you choose yourself. Even when it's hard, hard now. Don't just listen.
Do the work.
Stay connected me, with me. That's where you'll go to my website, cdkingnaturals.com and there you'll find journals and resources to help you get your life all the way together.
There's also the first chapter of my free book on my website.
Get that chapter, take a look at it, start reading it and see if you find some connection with me and what I'm saying.
Also make sure you follow me on social media so we can keep this conversation going. Instagram, Facebook, YouTube.
Just go and look for CD King Naturals or Hot Mess Unfiltered.
I have several journals on my website that will really help you with your growth and with your self love journey.
And understand loving yourself doesn't mean you have to exclude everyone else, but you have to love yourself first before you can properly love someone else. So take a look at those journals.
There's several types up there.
Also. Slide in the comments, let me know what you're thinking, share the episode and tag someone who needs a wake up call. Because let's be clear over here at the Hot Mess Nation, we're done settling, we're done shrinking and definitely we're done ignoring red flags.
So until next time, stay bold, stay honest and keep loving yourself unfiltered.
[00:21:09] Speaker C: Bye Bye Hi there, I'm Denise King, the heart behind CD King Naturals, where self love meets natural wellness.
With over 29 years as a compassionate nurse and a passion for empowering you, I've created a space to help you embrace bliss, balance and confidence.
From personalized coaching sessions and E courses to empowering self care ebooks, everything we do is designed to inspire you to thrive.
Why choose us?
Because we're not just a business, we're a movement for self love, empowerment and holistic living.
Ready to take the next steps?
Visit us
[email protected] youm journey to bliss starts here.
CD King Naturals empowering Self Love Naturally.
[00:22:19] Speaker A: Sam.
