[00:00:00] Speaker A: Glow. Sometimes it unravels. This is Hot Mess Unfiltered. Where self love gets real, relationships get messy, and healing gets loud. We're talking about all of it. Love, boundaries, triggers growth. The patterns you keep repeating and the truth you keep avoiding. Whether you're a man, woman, lover, fighter, overthinker, or I'm done. But let me check my phone one more time. This is for you. Expect laughs, clarity, hard truths and real healing. If you're ready to grow, glow, cry a little, laugh a lot, and finally love yourself harder. Press play. Hot Mess Unfiltered. We heal out loud. Let's be real. Life doesn't always glow. Sometimes it unravels. This is Hot Mess Unfiltered.
[00:00:56] Speaker B: Hello everyone and welcome back to Hot Mess Unfiltered. Where we stop pretending everything is fine and start telling the truth about what's really going on. Now I'm your host Denise King. And today we're going to shake some tables because today's episode is called Boundaries Ain't Betrayal. Stop feeling guilty for choosing you. And I'm gonna say this right now. If you've ever felt guilty for saying no, if you've ever been called selfish for protecting your peace, if you ever kept giving to people who drain the hell out of you, then this episode is for you. Today I have with me David Jones. He is the CEO and co founder of Hell hello llc. I speak from a women's perspective, so I bring David on to speak from a male perspective. Welcome, David.
[00:01:58] Speaker C: Hello everybody. How's everybody doing? I cannot wait for Boundaries Ain't Betrayal.
[00:02:03] Speaker D: Stop feeling guilty for choosing you and we. I'm telling the truth today, Mr. Me.
[00:02:08] Speaker C: I'm just gonna let you know you buckle up because last time I got a little slack last time about me talking about how you want to gaslight people. So I'm not holding no bars this time.
[00:02:17] Speaker B: I'm coming at it.
[00:02:18] Speaker D: So what we got today?
[00:02:20] Speaker B: Let's do it then. So let's get something real, something clear, real quick, right up front.
Boundaries are not punishment. They're not rejection. It's not having a bad attitude. It's not being you. You being too much. Boundaries are self respected action, emotional protection and a decision that says I matter too. But here's the problem.
A lot of us were raised to believe that saying no is disrespectful. Speaking up is rude and choosing yourself yourself is selfish. So now we overextend. We over explain over sacrifice and call it love. No, it's not.
So David, I want to ask you when you think of boundaries, what comes up for you emotionally? Is it fear, guilt, anxiety, or What?
[00:03:16] Speaker C: You know, Ms. Denise, you brought up something that was so, so true. So many people need to have this conversation. I know for myself, when I do speak of boundaries, I think it depends on who you're talking to. I think we all have different boundaries. If you're talking to your mother, your father, your significant other, your wife, your friends, your family, I think there's different boundaries that we have. But all is one. At the end of the day, how you allow one person to treat you is how you allow everybody to treat you.
When you shared that, you know, I'm having some boundary issues with my mother right now. You know, she decided to disrespect me at the beginning and something that you said that we're told as kids that, oh, you're being disrespectful or you're doing this or you can't do this and you can't do that, and there's boundaries that you can't cross, but yet the other person can cross, such as my mother, she can cross boundaries and disrespect me first. But when I call her to the mat and I have boundaries that I say, hey, I'm not taking that no more. I'm now all of a sudden the disrespectful one. I'm now ostracized. I'm now given the silent treatment when I'm holding on to these boundaries that I was taught. And so I think just to answer that question, it just depends on who's that boundary for. And more importantly, are you holding that boundary or are you, as they say, especially today, are you taco in it right now and faltering back to the original statement that you, you know, you said from the beginning. So this is really where you have to have that internal conversation with yourself.
[00:04:52] Speaker B: And you know, David, you're right, because that's where most people get stuck up. Because boundaries don't feel natural at first. You're uncomfortable with it. And especially when you've been the go to person for everyone.
And people think being the go to person and I'm going to say in their families and with their friends, is a badge of honor. It is not. It is actually a cinder block around your neck when you're in the ocean trying to swim and drowning and people saying, but wait a minute, before your dad can have.
And so we've got to really take care of ourselves.
Truthfully, stop worrying about what other people think now. Setting boundaries with Family, I think, for me is the hardest one, because families have you feeling obligated just because, you know, we share the same blood or the same, same DNA. But I'm going to tell you, being related does not give someone unlimited access to you.
How do you feel about that, David?
[00:06:00] Speaker C: I couldn't agree more. You know, I think more importantly, the boundaries should be. Should be known more.
Even further, that you're holding that person to these boundaries and your expectations because you're talking to them more and they know these things, what you like and what you don't like. But because we're so friendly, because these people know us, our family knows what to do and how to do it and how to manipulate us so it doesn't cross our boundaries. Well, oh, if I say it this way, or, oh, if I say it that way, and, you know, it still comes across that way, and it's us being able to hold those standards because then once again, you know, it's the, oh, that's mom, you know who she is, or, oh, you know, that's dad, who they are. And this. The continued disrespect. Right. And that's where, like I said, it goes for each individual person. But more importantly, it's up to you to hold those boundaries. It's your responsibility to make sure you keep your peace. And I think that's a lot of the times what we don't do is we don't. We allow our boundaries to be crossed, which then impacts our peace. And here we go, a whole different podcast.
[00:07:11] Speaker B: You're right. Because first of all, there's the gift trip. Well, after everything I've done for you, and I learned to finally figure that out.
Yeah, you did. But you're my parent, you know, so, I mean, thank you for having me, but I don't owe you my life forever.
Also over. You don't want to overstep with your parents and your other family members. But I find for me, it was especially with my parents.
And then expecting you to constantly be available and that disrespect, like when you say, no, it's like, oh, well, you know her. That's just how she is. No, it's. If every conversation you have with someone leaves you drained, they're not showing you love. That's emotional labor and they're manipulating you. And if you feel like you can't be yourself, that's not a connection. That's controlled. But we learn that sometimes early about not being disrespectful to adults, keeping our mouth shut, not. Not Saying how we feel, we carry that over into adulthood. And before you know it, you are swarmed by everyone saying, well, call her. She'll do it.
You have to learn that you got to put yourself first, because if you don't, people will carry you through the mud and will be trying to figure out, well, why she's sick or why she acting like that. Because you guys have gotten on my damn nerves. That's why. And I'm not putting up with anymore.
So, yeah, yeah, you were talking about the. The boundary with your mom and it causing conflict. Do you wish you would stay quiet instead? I know you answered, but go ahead and give it to me. Hell no.
No.
[00:09:00] Speaker C: Hell no. You know, and I share this because as I share with my mom, you know, I've been silent, you know, throughout my entire.
I've been the person that, like I said, I've been the person that, you know, hey, just let it slide. That's mom. That's this. That's other. But this time I couldn't do it. And I'll share a little back end story so everybody understands. You know, I live here in Thailand, and. And I haven't seen my family
[00:09:28] Speaker D: the last four years.
[00:09:30] Speaker C: I've seen them two weeks, if that.
And I've been gone, and I got to Thailand, and I lost quite a bit of weight. I lost 40 pounds. And I got my mile down at that point. I think it was at 5 minutes
[00:09:43] Speaker D: and 42 seconds in a mile on the treadmill. And I sent this picture to my mom and my sister. My mom sent an immediate picture and said, look at those feet.
And my sister backed down on it and said, ooh, look, did they not have pedicures out in Thailand? And immediately they went to the old classic making fun of Junior's feet.
[00:10:04] Speaker C: Other than praising me for my weight loss and, you know, my accomplishment of running my mom. And then I brought this to their attention and I said, hey, you know, this is where you guys are supposed to praise and say, congratulations, y' all already don't support my business. My father, I haven't talked to him in two years now. He doesn't know the name of my business. Told me he never wanted to talk to me again, never want to see me again, call me a bitch. Called me every name up underneath the. Up underneath the bridge, you know, in August, two years when he locked himself out the house and calling me, talking about, do I know the password? And that's the only thing he had to say to me in a year at that point. But now he still continues to be mad. And that was a boundary that was already crossed when you text your son, hey, you know, you this and your mom is this, you know, that just doesn't work. And so it's the continuation of them picking at me, and I finally just let it loose. And this is where I told my mom, you know, especially when you said the holding over your head. You know, my father loves the whole,
[00:11:05] Speaker D: well, boy, I paid for your college. I paid for this. Great. Thank you, Dad. I appreciate that. It is not my fault that you had unprotected sex with my mother. She 21 years ago. And you holding on to responsibilities that your ass had to do, that's not my problem. Excuse my French, but that is on you. Please stop holding that over my head that you want, that you pay for my college. Great. That. Thank you. But stop using that over my head, because now I am now 42, and your ass has not said to send me not $1 to pay any of my bills the last 20 years. But guess what? You've been paying my sister's car note. You've been paying this, you've been paying that. You're not talking to her crazy. You know all about her business, but you're talking to me crazy. And so it's the boundaries that sometimes you just got to let it go. And when people meet you with disrespect, especially for me as a cancer, don't come at me crazy. Because when I go, when you disrespect me, I'm coming full throttle. And you getting it. All right. There ain't no halfway crooked with me. You getting it. Especially if after I've let you slide so many times and hasn't said anything, and now you keep poking the bear, especially when you're not supporting and you're not doing what you're supposed to do, especially for my mother. She talks to my sister every single day, at least three to four times a day. I might get a phone call from this woman once a month. And every time we speak, it's, oh, baby, I'm going to get better. I'm going to call you more and never does it. And then we get on the phone again, oh, I'm gonna get better.
[00:12:38] Speaker C: And I'm like, mama, you've been saying that, but you're not doing it right. And so especially with Mother's Day that just passed, you gotta be a mother365, right? In order to even get that title and be mad or upset if somebody doesn't say something to you. Because it's that day doesn't mean that, oh, it's all about you that day. You better be coming with mother every single day. And that's what I had to share, right on that topic, especially when it comes to boundaries and family. You get me fired up, Mr. Mint.
[00:13:07] Speaker B: But, you know, I. That's the same thing. There was a time when I was younger that Mother's Day was a big deal to me. And it's not anymore because it was just Sunday.
So go somewhere, sit down and leave me alone and let me enjoy my day. I know I'm your mama, yada, yada, yada. But, you know, speaking of that, a lot of times, I find that a lot of controversy is with mothers and. Because, you know, I changed my religion, or let me just say I just stopped religion altogether. And I had. My mom was in a assisted living, and I offered her to come and stay with me, but because I was no longer a part of that religion, she didn't want her friends that were.
That if they would come to the house, they would feel uncomfortable. So I put in a nursing home. And then it became, oh, my daughter just threw me in a nursing home. And I got to the point where I don't feel like I have to explain. Explain anything. If I say what I said to you, you came back stupid.
I'm not a cancer. I'm a Sagittarius.
So, you know, I'm real red, and I can. I can just start going off at the mouth real quick. But I always did respect my parents.
But, you know, there comes a time when you just have to say just enough. You know, I'm not responsible for everybody. And I find that the more you do for people, the worse they treat you. So my best response is, I just leave all of your asses alone, because I'm just not going to be bothered with it, you know, but then you get the silent treatment. And then folks, you know, people are resentful of you, but you also start building resentment toward them because you're trying to figure out, you know, I've been this go to person because I want to say, it's now my time. Why is everybody mad? So I really don't care. I told my husband, I have gone to the land of I don't give a fuck. And so be mad, waste your time, be all upset. I'm not gonna be in that fight with you.
[00:15:18] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:18] Speaker B: You know, but I'm not explaining myself.
[00:15:22] Speaker C: Try to explain my side of the story. What you come up?
[00:15:24] Speaker B: Yeah,
[00:15:27] Speaker C: yeah, yeah. So it's just crazy in itself.
[00:15:32] Speaker B: Right? You know, and so sometimes I had to actually learn to say things like, I'm not talking about it anymore. I'm done with it.
I'm through with it. You know, or as you come out of your face, who you talking to? Don't speak to me like that. But then that goes back to, you know, how. Who. How she is. Well, my thing is, you know how I am. Don't mess with me, you know, But I just think you got to be short sentences or a short note. Be clear and don't go on an apology tour. You. It. You come. The freedom comes when you understand that you don't owe anybody an explanation. They can take it or leave it, or they can move on. Now, our next group is about friends. I'm gonna say this. I don't have a lot of friends.
Okay, I got one friend. But either way, I don't have a problem with setting boundaries with friends, because I can cut you off quick if you're my friend and you. And you go against me or you start doing stuff that is disrespectful and you're not respecting me.
But let's talk about friendships, because some friendships survive because of your lack of boundaries. If you had put boundaries up with these people to start with, they wouldn't be your friends because they wouldn't like that. That version of you.
Now, here's some signs you need some boundaries with your friend if you're always a listener. But. But you can't go to them to talk to them about anything. They don't have time for you. But when they call you, you supposed to drop everything that you're doing and listening to them. Not the only show up. They only show up when they need something or. And then when you finish dealing with them, you are so drained after that interaction. Or if you're afraid to say no. Now, that's not an issue with me.
I will tell you no if you're a friend, but not every friend that you have deserves unlimited access to. And people have this idea, oh, we're friends. We're stuck together. I'm stuck with no one but myself, you know, and you have got to do that. And my cutoff game, I had a friend that I had for 15 years, and. And I ended up cutting her off.
Everything with her, she just drained me. She made my life more difficult. And I'm like, I've had enough. Move on. And I literally. Even if she sends me a text or something, I don't respond to it. Because I have no intentions of giving her any indication that she can come back and take up space in my life.
You know, we. We all got some history, but that don't mean that they deserve to be taking up your time like that. So I'm gonna ask you something. Have you ever kept a friendship out of loyalty, David, even though it no longer felt good?
[00:18:34] Speaker D: I did.
[00:18:35] Speaker C: You know, I. I did for sure. When we very first started our business, you know, and before I went on my mindset journey, you know, David was always the let's go out. And David was always the one driving. David was always one. Buying drinks. I was buying, my God, drinks. Like hell we were dating. I mean, not just one drink. I'm talking about the whole damn night. My tab would be every bit of 3, $400. And so my friends would go out with me just to go out with me, because, shit, they didn't have to pay nothing. I'm talking about entry fee, all of the shit. I mean, driving home, eating out at night, I was the go to guy and I was buying friendships.
And when I figured out that these friends were with me for just that, you know, and being the person that would, you know, be the one for them all the time, dropping what I was doing and driving to their house. Like, at one point, I had a friend that lived at least 20 miles away from me and it would take a good hour to get to his house. Traffic, you can go ahead and chalk that up to two hours. I was always going to his house, he was never coming over to mine. And, you know, I specifically remember one friend when we started our business, this one friend, Wally, we went to high school together and we would go out a lot together. And I started our network marketing company. David had lost at that time, £40. And I was on social media blasting what I was doing on social with the health and wellness and network marketing and all of that, I'll never forget it. I was sitting at the house in my car and he called me and
[00:20:11] Speaker D: he said, man, you need to chill
[00:20:12] Speaker C: out with all this wellness and all this social media and what you doing and all this, man, you need to calm down. You trippin'.
And I politely, at that point, after I went on my journey, I said,
[00:20:24] Speaker D: brother, I said, there was no problems
[00:20:27] Speaker C: when we was posting pictures in a strip club and at the clubs and drinking and all this other shit.
[00:20:33] Speaker D: There was no problems with us posting that stupid shit. Now your boy is losing weight, got his health together and starting business. You got a problem with me posting and you Ain't liking or none of that stuff.
Click.
I have not talked to him since that day.
[00:20:51] Speaker C: And that was well over
[00:20:55] Speaker D: five, six years ago now, right?
[00:20:57] Speaker B: Because people, like, if you're loyal, then you've got to abandon who you are in order to stay loyal to that person. I'm not in a marriage with you. And personally, I'm not going to do that for even if I'm in a marriage. So I'm definitely not going to do that for a friend. So it's okay to say, I, I don't have the capacity for you today or ever again or, you know, I can't always be available, but I care about you. But to me, that was too much to do. I just cut it off.
Having access to me because I am your friend does not mean that you have access to me 24 hours a day. And you can call me whenever you want to and got a problem, but I can't call you. And if that person is a healthy friend, guess what? They're gonna adjust to it. An unhealthy friend is going to be one that's going to try to guilt trip you.
So now, David, we're gonna go to the really big problem with boundaries, and that's in dating and relationship.
Because this is where people lose themselves the fastest.
You know that you're in trouble and you need boundaries when you ignore your needs to keep the peace, when you accept behavior that you just don't like and would not accept from other people, or you feel anxious or insecure and you're afraid they're going to leave you if you speak up.
And here's the deal, if you have to shrink yourself to keep them, they're not for good. You. So let's go there. David, have you ever avoided setting boundaries in a relationship because you didn't want to lose the person?
[00:22:36] Speaker C: Being in a relationship now for 14 years with Tara, you know, I think we've had, you know, our boundaries definitely crossed and crossed each other's boundaries and, you know, not having the right communication or the right effective communication and then wanting to have things our way and not understanding that there's two people in the relationship. But, you know, looking back in the past, you know, I think we all have been, you know, in a relationship, you know, an intimate relationship where we allow things to slide because we want to be with that person and we don't want to, you know, let have that person go. And more importantly, we don't want to have the looking bad, running that we've lost that person or that we broke up with that person. And I think that's something that happens a lot, too, in relationships that, you
[00:23:29] Speaker D: know, what are these people going to say?
[00:23:32] Speaker C: What are my family going to think? What is they going to think? So we put up with these things, and we allow these things to happen, and then before you know it, your
[00:23:40] Speaker D: boundary is completely crossed. And more importantly, I think when we do talk about boundaries, I think that is also your damn responsibility to not
[00:23:49] Speaker C: let people cross your damn boundary. And a lot of the times what
[00:23:53] Speaker D: I find is people are too damn scared to open their damn mouth and say, hey, no, that shit ain't flying. Because they don't want to rock the boat or because they like that. And I tell Tara flat out, david Jones is my name, and telling the truth is my motherfucking game. I'm going to tell you the truth right out the gate, and if you don't like it, then I'm so sorry for you. But this is what I see, and this is how I see it. You don't have to agree with me, right? You don't have to like it, but I'm gonna say it, and that way
[00:24:23] Speaker C: it's off my chest. And now it's up to you and us of how we gonna move forward and how we're gonna, you know, be able to pivot. And if this is something that we can work together. So boundaries is your ass opening up your mouth and saying some shit. If you don't say shit, there's only one person to blame. Your ass.
[00:24:42] Speaker B: Right? And you're exactly right about that a lot of times. Well, I don't want to hurt their feelings or whatever. I've been married for quite some time to my husband, and we just say it. And if it hurts your feelings going in the corner somewhere, sit down and get over it, because you don't want your partner in marriage and dating and whatever to get used to that version of you that don't have boundaries, which means they can say and do anything that they want to to you because. Because they know that you're going to keep your mouth shut and you're not going to say anything.
So, you know, it's very important that, especially when you're in a relationship of a romantic nature, that you make sure that you set boundaries. I was listening to this lady the other day, and it was really funny. She said, well, I'm. I'm waiting for God to send me a man that will be uncon. Will love me unconditionally.
And I was driving home with my Husband yesterday. And I said to him, do you love me unconditionally?
And he got right quiet there for a moment. I think he was trying to figure out a way to put it. And I said, okay, I'm gonna help you out here. Your answer is no.
I go around, go out there around on you, you gonna put me in the house?
Stop playing it. It's, you know, because the only unconditional love that you may get is that. That you get from your mom, but you're not gonna get, nor should you expect unconditional love. To me, that's love with no boundaries. When you tell me that if you say, I love you unconditionally, I can do me, but, you know, you're not gonna get that in the relationship. And people have got to get these fairy tale ideas. And when you don't set boundaries in a relationship, you're in effect telling that person, you can just run all over me. You can do what the hell you want to me, and I'm going to stay.
And that's a bad way to set yourself up, because that's exactly going to be the type of men that you or women that you are going to attract. Because I'm going to tell you, most people can see a sucker from a mile away.
You know, when you got a man that you can say, well, go buy me this or buy me that or, I want this, and he's gonna do it. You know, you got a problem.
You know that? Okay, I got one that I can use. Nobody wants to be in that situation, or you shouldn't want to be anyway.
So he finally admitted that he didn't love me unconditionally, but I didn't need to have him tell me. Already knew. I think he thought,
[00:27:25] Speaker C: yeah, I think we've been bullshitting each other. That's that fairy tale.
[00:27:29] Speaker D: You love me forever.
[00:27:30] Speaker C: Today I love your ass, but you
[00:27:34] Speaker B: a up.
[00:27:35] Speaker D: No, it's not.
[00:27:36] Speaker C: So Tara asked me that, I think, yesterday.
[00:27:39] Speaker B: Baby, do you love me?
[00:27:40] Speaker C: I said, And I did the same thing your husband did. I got silent.
I see what you mean by that. I said, I love your ass today.
I love you today. But some other days, not so much. I want to throw your ass off this 23rd story condo and walk away, you know, like, I don't know what happened.
[00:28:00] Speaker B: I was actually playing. I played something for my husband yesterday. And this woman says, you ever look at your husband sleeping and think to yourself, I could really slap the out of him.
[00:28:16] Speaker D: Multiple times looked at my ass.
[00:28:18] Speaker C: And when she could beat the out of me, I'm.
[00:28:20] Speaker D: I'm pretty sure.
[00:28:22] Speaker B: But yeah, I mean, but you know, to me that's healthy relationship, because at least you talk about it. And nobody's going into any kind of relationship with all these rainbows and. Because I know you've been married a while and I've been married longer than you, and every day in a good day, it's just not
[00:28:45] Speaker D: every day isn't a good day in your own life.
[00:28:47] Speaker C: And, and, and I think that's the biggest thing, especially, you know, when we, when, when we get with each other, we expect the other person to make us happy. We expect the other person to bring that joy. That's not my motherfucking job. That's your job for you to be happy. Because it don't matter what I do, what I say, especially with you women, any day can be the wrong damn day. Especially around that time of the month. You never know what you gonna get. And so be prepared. And so, you know, this is just where you have to be able to be aware of how you show up in life and how you respond in life, and more importantly, how you react. And I think that goes with boundaries. We talk about other people's boundaries, but what boundaries do you have with working
[00:29:31] Speaker D: out with your mind?
[00:29:32] Speaker C: What boundaries do you have with working out with your body? What boundaries do you have with working out with your mouth? We talk about everybody else's boundaries, but
[00:29:40] Speaker D: motherfucker, what's your boundaries? What are you not going to do?
[00:29:43] Speaker C: And what are you going to do? And your discipline that you have and
[00:29:47] Speaker D: your standards and, and your morals. We always talking about. Everybody else asks, but what are your boundaries and your standards of what you
[00:29:55] Speaker C: not going to do and what you are going to do?
[00:29:58] Speaker D: That's what we need to focus on. And I promise you, if you do that shit and you focus on that,
[00:30:04] Speaker C: anything around you you will not allow and you will remove yourself. As I share with people, be aware
[00:30:10] Speaker D: of your surroundings, the story you tell
[00:30:12] Speaker C: yourself, all of that to make sure that you are in the right vibration and rhythm with yourself, first of all.
[00:30:21] Speaker B: And if people are worried that they're going to lose someone by setting boundaries. When you set boundaries and you lose someone that was somebody that was benefiting for you not having any boundaries and were doing you any way they want it to do you, so you don't lose people that are meant to be in your life, you. You're going to lose those that should not be in your life. And you need to learn to accept that. Look, not everything that looks good on the outside.
It may be looking good to you, but it may not be looking good. It may not be good for you. And you know how you find out? You set them boundaries. And when you set those boundaries, it will start weeding out all of the bad people that are there for the wrong reasons.
But for some people, it's really hard to set boundaries. And it used to be for me until I realized that I didn't need to do a dissertation to say why I wasn't going to do something.
Because if anybody had any sense, they would know. She doing a whole dissertation, she don't want to do it. But it's not because boundaries are so hard. And it's not because it's just behavior. It's conditioning.
It's how you were taught to be. You know, my mom was, you are always supposed to be submissive to your husband. A lady doesn't do this, a lady doesn't do that. And so you were brought up with that.
I think if anyone asked my husband if I was submissive, he asked, asks me at what point am I going to do it? Because he ain't seen it yet. And I don't want this poor man to wait on it because I'm not gonna do it. But we can work in this together as partners. But I'm not going to have someone lorded over me. But we were taught to be nice and, and be over honest and explain. Well, how about keeping, forget about keeping the peace. How about giving myself the peace that I need? It is a wonderful place to be.
Now that I have put these boundaries into action and I protect myself, I don't allow myself to get into useless arguments. I'm not giving you my time nor your my energy.
I will act like you don't exist.
But it's. You feel better.
You, you get there. When you start choosing you and you've got to choose you first.
[00:32:56] Speaker D: You.
[00:32:56] Speaker B: In the beginning, it may feel wrong, but after a while it becomes real sweet to you and you realize, oh, people ain't fucking with me like they used to.
They don't. They have finally got the point that I'm not going to stand for it.
And you're just wrong. When you abandon yourself. It. It's not worth it. If you can't have peace within yourself and peace within your home, then you don't have anything.
So how are we gonna start setting these boundaries? Well, we're not gonna jump head first in the water and cuss everybody out and put everybody our lives. We're gonna Start small.
You know, I recommend that.
Huh?
[00:33:39] Speaker C: I like that. I know, let's do that.
[00:33:42] Speaker B: You know, you just want to show yourself and move on.
But for people that are not like us, okay, that don't care whether we upset the room, start small.
You know, you don't need to to stop sitting at it because it's uncomfortable. You need to sit in it, experience it, and set your boundaries so you don't have to do it again. But first of all, you got to notice what drains you. I'm telling you, family, friends and relationships can literally drain the life out of you. And then this over explain it. Just say no, I'm not going to do it. No, I can't do it. And do not. If you don't feel it, give them an alternative day that they can come in and disrupt your life. Just say no. Move on. No dissertation, no speech needed. You ain't running for Congress or for the presidency and then expect to be just uncomfortable when you first start doing it. And I did. I was a little uncomfortable at first, but then it got good to me and I was just, no, nope, not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Because that's how I want it to have been all along.
But you can't flip flop with this. If it's no today, then it's no tomorrow and it's no the next day. You can't say no today, yes, tomorrow, no. People are not going to believe you because you're being inconsistent. You have to remind yourself that the one thing you want to do is have your peace. That includes in marriage. That includes with friends. That includes with your children.
It includes with everyone that is trying to invade your space and invade your peace. Now, I got one final question for you, David.
What's one boundary you know you need to set but you've been avoiding?
[00:35:42] Speaker C: Oh, huh.
I don't know.
What is it?
I think more importantly, I think what it is is not allowing people to step over me, especially with family and friends. I've allowed people to use and abuse because I am that one that people calls and goes to for advice. And I've been the one that has not set that boundary on holding them accountable to how they show up or what they do. I've allowed this abuse, like with my mother and my sister. I've allowed the continued pop shots and they continued, you know, not supporting and showing up for them and not saying anything about it. So opening up my mouth as why I was so strong on saying earlier, you know, boundaries is your damn responsibility. And you know you created that bear. And one thing I'll share with you while you were sharing is that you know the trauma and drama that we, that we grew up with and that we've occurred, that we, that we do, that's not our fault.
But what is our damn fault is that we don't heal from that trauma and drama that is on us because we are all grown enough and all should be aware enough where you were sharing, which most people won't do and most people don't see growth because we always talking about the ptsd, we talking about what happened to us beforehand and
[00:37:20] Speaker D: we live in that damn story. We're not talking about the ptg, the post traumatic growth.
Nobody wants to talk about the growth and how they got there and what
[00:37:32] Speaker C: it took for them and the sacrifices
[00:37:34] Speaker D: it took for them to get there.
[00:37:35] Speaker C: People are stuck in that trauma and drama and same pattern and get stuck in that and worried about what everybody else else else does. So that would be what I would say is me figuring out who I was and me being able to hold myself accountable is the one thing that I didn't do that I wish I would have done sooner. So once again, as I speak this shit out loudly, I'm really speaking for myself and for me to hold myself accountable on, hey, mofo, you need to be holding people more accountable to the shit that they do and that they say and not letting that shit slide because we're at 42 years old, we're grown enough where people can't play that.
[00:38:19] Speaker D: Oh, you being disrespectful.
[00:38:21] Speaker B: Oh, you too young.
[00:38:23] Speaker C: Oh, you don't know. No, we know now and we know a lot more now than we knew beforehand. Especially being able to respond in the right way. And so that would be my answer to that and really being able to help people understand.
[00:38:38] Speaker B: You know, I agree with you, David, because you hear a lot of, sometimes I'll be looking at court cases with, well, they grew up in a bad home.
This man is 50 years old. Hell, how long ago it been living in the house with his mama. You know, at some point it becomes your responsibility to take control of your life. Look, we all as parents think that we're giving our kids the best life that we can give them and we work hard to try to give it to you. But I'm gonna tell you, them little motherfuckers will come up at every time you say something you didn't do for them. They're not Talking about the 99 things that you did. But is it the one that they remember that you didn't do. To which I say, you old enough now handle it yourself. You know, I. I've done my part. So we also have to be where we don't allow people to guilt trip us because we have decided that we want to live our lives. We want to put ourselves first and make sure that we set our boundaries so that people aren't coming in and trying to run over you. For example, I'm retired now. Oh, so you got time. I don't have time for that.
I don't. You know, so you've just got to make sure that you are always looking out for yourself. You know, I want to leave everyone with this.
You're not responsible for managing everyone's emotions.
It's not up to you to fix everything and you don't have to be available 24 7. But what you are responsible for is protecting your peace, honoring your needs, and choosing yourself first.
You know, we did quite a bit of talk today, David and I really appreciate your input about using our voice and speaking up.
And I'm in the midst of writing a book called Unspoken Reclaiming the Voice I Lost. And I deal with a lot of these things in my book.
If you want to get a free copy of my first chapter, you can just go over to my biz in the box that David and his wife did for me and on my webpage and it's at www.cdkingnaturals.com. there you will find a copy of the first page of that book as well as you will see a monthly newsletter that I have put together and that will kind of summarize a lot of the things that we have talked about on our podcast.
But it's time to wrap this up for today. Hot Mess Nation. But if this episode hit a nerve, stirred something in you, or made you look at your life a little differently, good, because that's what we're here to do. We don't sugarcoat. We get real, we get honest. We grow it, we tell it like it is.
Remember, healing isn't always pretty. And the way that it's going to come out of my mouth or David's mouth ain't always going to be pretty. But one thing it's going to be is true.
Growth isn't always comfortable and self love.
It just requires that you choose yourself even when it's hard.
Now don't just listen to the podcast and move on. Do the work.
Do what you need to do so that you can get to that place in your life where you have peace and security and happiness within yourself. Again, stay connected with
[email protected] there you're going to find the journals, self care books, other resources to help you get your life together and make sure that you're following me on social media so we can keep these conversations going. Instagram, Facebook and YouTube. Just search for CD King Naturals and listen. I don't expect everyone to agree with everything I said. It wouldn't make it fun. So if you don't agree with something that I said, come on, get in there. Drop me a a comment, say what it is that you don't agree with. Come on in the comments, share the episode and tag someone that you know that needs a wake up call because we all know people that could use that help. But let's be clear, we're done settling, we're done shrinking and we're definitely done not setting boundaries and let people take advantage of us. Thank you so much for joining me today David. I really enjoyed having you with me.
And until next time everybody stay bold, stay honest and keep loving yourself unfiltered.
Good night.
[00:43:41] Speaker E: Denise Kingdom I'm Denise King, the heart behind CD King Naturals where Self love meets natural wellness.
With over 29 years as a compassionate nurse and a passion for empowering you, I've created a space to help you embrace bliss, balance and confidence.
From personalized coaching sessions and E courses to empowering self care ebooks, everything we do is designed to inspire you to thrive.
Why choose us?
Because we're not just a business, we're a movement for self love, empowerment and holistic living.
Ready to take the next steps?
Visit us
[email protected] youm journey to bliss starts here.
CD King Naturals empowering Self Love Naturally.
