[00:00:00] Speaker A: Lets be real. Life doesn't always glow. Sometimes it unravels. This is Hot Mess Unfiltered, where self love gets real, relationships get messy, and healing gets loud. We're talking about all of it. Love, boundaries, triggers growth, the patterns you keep repeating and the truth you keep avoiding. Whether you're a man, woman, lover, fighter, overthinker, or I'm done. But let me check my phone one more time. This is for you. Expect laughs, clarity, hard truths and real healing. If you're ready to grow, glow, cry a little, laugh a lot, and finally love yourself harder. Press play Hot Mess Unfiltered. We heal out loud.
[00:00:45] Speaker B: Hello.
What's up everybody?
Welcome back to Hot Mess Unfiltered, the podcast where we heal loudly, set boundaries, and stop shrinking ourselves. For people who bring absolutely nothing but confusion and chaos in our lives. I'm your host, Denise King. And today's episode is for people who keep looking for somebody else to fill the holes in their lives and heart that they refuse to heal themselves.
And today's title is Nobody can love you into loving yourself. Now that's a pretty hefty topic, but somebody needs to hear this because some of us are treating relationships like their mail order packages.
You think that you can just overnight yourself some self confidence or some self worth or healing or inner peace and self respect directly to your door, but it don't work like that. You can be the nicest person on earth and still sabotage the relationship because you haven't healed the war that's happening inside of you. So today we're going to talk about it. We're going to talk about it boldly and we're going to talk about it loudly. Now to help me with this discussion, we're going to have David Jones, who is the CEO and co founder of hello llc. Welcome, David,
[00:02:20] Speaker C: and good evening everyone. Hopefully everybody is doing well and amazing. I am so glad to be a part of this amazing conversation as always with the amazing Denise King. If you guys don't know, you guys definitely need to go check out her amazing biz in a
[email protected] and definitely, you know, learn all the things that she's up to. And I'm always up for this amazing conversation. Nobody can love you anybody into loving yourself. And this is something that I talk about all the time of, you know, you have to be able to love yourself inwardly and that takes you being by yourself, that takes you understanding and being aware of how you're showing up and how you're living and that, you know, people would Always say, david you this, David, you that. And a lot of times a lot of us try to be denial and we don't look at, you know, how we're showing up in life. And when you really can go sit your ass down by yourself and go sit in the corner and be honest with yourself, then, you know, things start shifting and things start changing. And as I share with people, change your energy, change your world. And I know what brother said, energy. Yes, I said vibration. Yes, you'll hear me talk about the universe. Yes, you'll hear me talk about all these woo woo things. And this is really where I have to. And I have become more in tune with myself and not afraid to show up and talk about love and talk about these things. So I'm excited about this conversation. And Ms. Denise, this is always, you know, a pleasure to have and be a guest on your podcast. But, you know, let's get down to the real deal. N gre, as you always say. So talk to me, man. What we got for the day?
[00:03:56] Speaker B: Okay, so number one, we have got. We have got to stop making people responsible for our healing. I want you to hear what I'm saying. A relationship is not a rehabilitation center. It's not somewhat one else's job to convince you that you're worthy every five minutes because you refuse to believe in yourself. Now, yes, healthy love should feel good. It should feel supportive, it should feel safe, it should feel affirming. But if you hate yourself, you will turn every healthy love into emotional labor. Because when you don't love yourself, compliments feel faith, reassurance is not enough.
Boundaries feel like rejection and accountability.
Ability feels like an attack. And peace feels suspicious.
So start asking yourself.
You start asking the person, do you still love me? Do you still want me? Do you? And it is, it is so annoying. And it helps to take away from your relationship with when you're so needy. You know, some people don't want love. They want emotional babysitters. And that's exhausting. So nobody should have to carry the burden of proving your worth to you. That's your job. You do that. And if you refuse to do the internal work, then you're going to continue to be alone or you're going to continue to make bad decisions. Making decisions is not romance, is sabotage.
How about we put up our first video where this is really talked about? If we can play that now.
[00:05:42] Speaker A: How do I let my guard down being so independent? Because in the generation that we're in,
[00:05:47] Speaker B: it's hard to find a man that's
[00:05:49] Speaker D: as independent as me.
[00:05:50] Speaker B: That is honest, sweet, nice. It honestly doesn't matter how nice I
[00:05:56] Speaker A: am, how sweet I am, how honest I am. I still get done wrong.
[00:06:00] Speaker D: You just said in this generation it's hard to find a man and you started naming these qualities. That's the problem right there. Because we're not supposed to be finding men, we supposed to be found by them.
One of the most important things that I had to do as a semi aggressive woman from New York City, I had to step away from my relationship with men and dive into my own personal season of softness. I had to let my softness become about me. That had nothing to do with them.
I had to define what femininity looked like for me and how to take those wall down. Walls down on my own, outside of a relationship before a man could come find me. Because when we talking about relationships, everything is about alignment. Do you know what alignment means?
Alignment means you are going to continue to attract what you are.
And if you keep operating in this spirit of brokenness and hardship and this is my attitude and these are all of the traits that I have, then guess what? You're going to keep attracting to you.
What happens when you soften yourself? What happens when you work on your own healing and your own character for yourself, not for a man? Then you will only ever align with men who match that and you essentially become damn near invisible to all of the people that's going to waste your time. I ain't been on a date in so long because the dating poll of men that I'm waiting to be found by have to come up to a certain level to reach me.
You still at the level where the can reach you.
You got to step out of that for a while for yourself by your.
Don't be scared to ask personal self development questions. Sometimes we be getting into relationships with other people when we supposed to be fixing our relationship with ourselves.
Sometimes we'll be looking for a new boyfriend when we supposed to be looking for a therapist. Sometimes we'll be going out on dates when we supposed to be in a gym and in our prayer rooms and things like that. Isolation is not a bad thing because it teaches you what you need for you before you can need that for anybody else. So in the spirit of having all of these walls up and having all of these bad experiences, at some point we gotta look at ourselves and go, it can't be everybody.
At some point it ain't everybody. Because if it's everybody, then at what point is it you be you for you before you can be you for anybody else is my advice.
[00:08:11] Speaker C: That first video is so key, you know, on being able to have, you know, that conversation with yourself and really owning up to, you know, what's. What. Who are you being? How are you showing up? You know, the one thing that she said at the very beginning is that, you know, not being somebody else's crutch, you know, that's something I share with Tara all the time. Baby, I can't make you happy. And you know us as men, we hear that all the time that, you know us as men, we got to make you happy. Well, first of all, before I came in this world and before I knew you, you had to pay your own bills, you had to take yourself out to eat. You had to do all these things on your own. Me joining into your life does not stop any of that, with me or without me. And I think a lot of the times when we do get in relationships, we rely so much more on the other person and so dependent on the other person. We don't stand on ourselves. And then we. Then we wonder why we stop falling in love with each other. Because you're not that person that we fell in love with as being that independent, as being that. This is how I show up, how I come to the table right now. You're so dependent on me. And so this is where we have to really stand. Stand tall and how we show up and how we, you know, are. Are independent and what we bring value to the actual relationship. And like she said, you know, not being afraid to ask those questions, not being afraid to grow and. And not how having somebody else be your damn therapist at the end of the day, what you got, Mr. Niece?
[00:09:41] Speaker B: You're exactly right, David, because no one else can make you happy but you. And you can't make anybody else happy until you get there truly happy. Because otherwise, it's kind of like you're sending your representative this mask that you want to put out there. They say, this is who I am. That's who I am. But really, that's not you underneath. And we'll tell ourselves this narrative to get through today, but you don't need to allow the things that made you hurt, that hurt your feelings, that. A childhood trauma or whatever, at some point, you've got to let this go and you have got to turn around and you've got to try to heal yourself, because until you are a healed person, you are going to continue to put up with people that are in and out of your lives. You're Going to continue to put up when with being hurt and with being used. And I say that it's kind of like a martyr complex. You know, you, you're a martyr or you're having these issues. One, because you're out looking so hard for this perfect person.
They don't exist because you're not perfect. So there's no way you can find this perfect person. And the reason that we become martyrs and get this martyr complex is because we don't put our boundaries out there. We don't exercise the fact that we have the abilities to set boundaries. Otherwise you enable people to be toxic with you because you want to be that person so bad. You want to be that person that everybody looks at and sees. And all of that is not necessary to have a proper relationship. You have to work on yourself first.
And she talked about her being very independent and very closed off. Let me say this. There's nothing wrong with being independent, but being independent and closed off is a problem. And it's a problem for whoever you get into a relationship.
It's a control thing. So you've got to learn how to give up a little of that control.
You don't have to lose yourself, but give up a little that control and then you'll be able to have a decent relationship with someone.
But again, you can outsource that to someone else. And it's their point, their job, to build up your self esteem.
Just because somebody chooses you, that doesn't mean you're healed. Some people are in relationships right now and still feel empty as hell because attention and self worth are not the same thing.
You know, you can have a man calling you beautiful, but that does not erase the years of self hatred that you have for yourself. Or you need to look within yourself, find what your triggers are, find out what got you to where you are. And then you need to remove them because removing them will remove the insecurities, security, and you don't have to go around all the time asking, do you love me? Do you want me? It, you know, we don't do picnic, you know, and even in a marriage, being in a marriage doesn't heal any abandonment wounds that you might have because baby doesn't heal trauma, sex doesn't heal trauma. And some of y' all are trying to use these relationships as bandages for wounds that really require therapy, accountability, healing and solitude. And that's why some people panic when they're alone, because silence forces them to look at themselves. Because, you know, we tell ourselves a narrative, the narrative that we're telling ourselves is not always the true narrative. And some people avoid themselves harder than they do avoid overdue bills. They don't want to look at themselves and see who they are.
You know, it's important that you realize your worth.
And when you don't realize your worth, then you will accept anything. How about roll that next video, David?
[00:14:14] Speaker C: Yeah, absolutely. You know, and, and as we, you know, when we, when we move forward into this next video, I just want to share something that, that really hit home is, you know, your attention and, you know, this self, self worth. You know, it doesn't matter how many times I tell Tara, baby, I love you, I care about you, this, that and the other. If she has this internal clock, this internal dialogue going of all the other things, or picks out one moment and rotates on that and lights, camera, actions on that. It doesn't matter what I say, it doesn't how, it doesn't matter what I do. And so this is where we share with people. You know, you have to be able to let go of the past. You gotta let go of that burden. You gotta, you know, you want people to forgive you, you also have to forgive. You know, one of the things that I hear my mom talk about all the time is, boy, you don't know what I dealt with when you were younger and your daddy and this, that and the other. And as always, you know, a saga story other than taking ownership of how she reacted and what she did at that particular moment. We go back into the past and trying to defend, you know, our actual words or what we said or why things are being done. And then it just becomes an ongoing rotation of AKA patterns, right, that we continue not to, not to, you know, heal. And this shows up in your relationship. How you do one thing is how you do everything. If you're lazy, you know, when it comes down to doing work, you're lazy in your, in your relationship. Point blank, end of story. At the end of the day, if people keep telling you're selfish, you're selfish, you know, in all areas. If people keep telling you, you know, you are self centered, you're self centered in all areas. And so this is where we have to not be in denial of what's going on, right?
[00:16:08] Speaker E: So when you don't love yourself, you'll end chasing those who don't love you either.
You'll run out of breath before you realize how beautiful you are, how worthy you are as you are.
Give the opportunity to those who love you, to find you.
Because the answer isn't outside You.
It's within you.
[00:16:31] Speaker B: You know, I always say men don't need to lie to women, you know, because we're lying ourselves. Women will lie to themselves, and we need to stop that. Because sometimes when you have someone that feels that way, they're not able to accept with someone that is really a good and righteous brother trying to talk to them, but they will turn around and upset, accept the guy that they really should be turning their backs on. And so I think we pick, or women pick sometimes what they attract. And if you're full of chaos, then you're going to attract chaos. And as this man says, you're beautiful as you are and learn to love yourself. But people look for these relationships, to fix them and to heal them and complete them. And if you go into a relationship expecting all those things, you have doomed your relationship from the beginning. Because this isn't like a kid's movie. This is adulting. And this is what adulting is about. And with adulting comes hard times come to hard decisions.
Doesn't mean you won't ever get in a fuss or disagreement. But it's not the fact that you're getting the fuss and disagreement. It's how you handle it. And if you're walking around here and you're on millie mouth and you have. It heals your wounds, you're gonna get run over or you're gonna turn into a total. And then nobody can't stand to be around you. So it's. It's one of two things that you're gonna be.
I say choose peace. David, what do you think?
[00:18:16] Speaker C: Absolutely.
Absolutely.
You know, I couldn't agree with you more on that. Especially, you know, that story that you talked about and how, you know, men, you know, don't need to lie to women because they already lie to themselves. And that's something
[00:18:34] Speaker B: just.
[00:18:35] Speaker C: I'm glad it's not just me, you know, and I'm. And there's things that women have as well.
And, you know, this is something that. Especially as a black man, right, Already being, you know, accused of things, already having to watch, you know, everything that I say, already having this conscious of how I show up in life and then adding on top of that, being in an interracial relationship, you know, Tara being white and her seeing and witnessing and, you know, experiencing the things that was unbeknownst to her, you know, before we were together and, you know, now her being with me, you know, she gets to see some of this, but she doesn't understand it fully. She gets to see it but she doesn't live with it, especially no. Being in Mexico, being in Colombia, being over here in Thailand now there's still that undertow that's there. And then, you know, I also have to be aware that not to be looking for it as well, of not selling myself on the story of, you know, of hey, you're always looking for it and if you're looking for it, you're going to find it. So you know, it's, it's also that, that thing that we all have right within a story and that's based off our traumas, our dramas, our past, what we allow to consume us. Are we thinking positive? Are we thinking negative? Are you bringing positive energy to the, to the relationship? Are you bringing negative energy to the relationship? And especially, you know, being able to have conflict resolution, I think that's so key. And that's something me and Tara are still working on 14 years later of how we, you know, resolve our issues and not make it a big blow up. And you, you know, sacrifice and self sabotage, you know, our livelihoods by just a moment moving us and taking us away from the movement. And I think a lot of the times that's what we allow happens is we allow our energy and our vibration and the way that we show up in life and how we respond with these patterns that we sell ourselves and lie into ourselves of what was said, what wasn't said, you know, and, and how we react and the patterns that we do and us being able to stop ourselves because we are grown ass adults. Let's just face it, you know, you're 43, you're 44, you're 45, you're 50, you're 20, you're 25, you're 30, your ass is grown enough to know, hey, this is enough.
And a lot of the times we do feed off of that. Some people are just addicted to trauma and drama and that's the only thing they have to be aware of and they can't be by themselves. Right? That was one thing that I love doing is I love being by myself because I get to have that conversation with myself and be honest with myself because as I share with people, David Jones is my name and telling the fucking truth is my game and that's what I'm going to do to myself. And so a lot of these conversations that I do have out loud are more so to me. I tell Tara that, you know, they're about her or relationship or somebody else that I'm talking about. But in all honesty, they're about Myself. All is one of how I respond, how I react, and how I show up.
[00:21:49] Speaker B: You're very right, David. I was thinking about something when you were talking. You know, when we always want someone else to fix us, complete us.
What you're doing is when you expect someone want to save you emotionally, you're giving them dangerous power over your identity. And while you're sitting around thinking, oh, well, I'm. I'm saving myself and I'm. I'm gonna keep my. No, you are. Because when that person says something that you don't like it, you know, you. You can be fussing and fussing and fussing, and honestly, you're not arguing at that person. I remember one time where I just kind of blew my top at my husband. And what I blew my top about absolutely had nothing to do with him. It had to do with things that I needed to heal within myself. And so you can't allow your mood to depend on someone else or your confidence to depend on someone else. It depends on you because you have to value yourself enough and the moment. So if you do this, you want all this reassurance and you want to be the pick me. What happens when they pull away?
You collapse.
You become nothing. You don't feel like, you don't. You don't have anywhere that you need to go because what you had was not based on love. Because one, you weren't being truthful with yourself.
And once you set the representative, see, he liked the representative. But when you started showing your true colors and how up you were within yourself, then you're stuck and you left by yourself. A relationship should add happiness, you know, it should never become the, the whole source of your happiness. And if you're delegating your happiness to someone else, that right there shows that you're not happy. You gotta learn to sit in it.
You gotta learn to, to deal with some of these people out here that, you know, they reject you, they're not your best protection. But yet you keep going back to that same. Because that's what you're used to. That's how your nervous system is wired. You know, you gotta forget your mistakes. Okay, I'm not saying that you forget it so that you go back and do it again. Forget the mistakes and, and remember the lesson.
If you finally get yourself to where you're getting out of this and you're getting yourself to a healthier place, don't go back there. Okay, so you may have screwed up some relationships. Ain't nothing you can do about it now. You Deal with what's going on with you in the present.
So what happens when you genuinely love yourself?
Things change.
Your standards change, right? You stop begging, you stop chasing, you stop over explaining and you stop auditioning for basic respect. You know, I know, I've heard. Oh, he pulls the chair up for me, he opens the door for me. My 9 year old granddaughter will open the door for you, but you gotta learn to stop accepting crumbs. And when you get yourself worked and you get your surf love and you work through those things that are standing in your way of truly being who you are, then you won't think just because the dude holds a door for you, he did something. Hell, people that don't know you hold the doors for you sometimes. Oh, he bought me dinner that day. That's nice. That, that's fine. You can afford to buy it for yourself. Ask the questions that let you know about who he really is. I think that, what do you think about that, David?
[00:25:48] Speaker C: I think you're so spot on. I love the joke. You know, my granddaughter can open the damn door for you. You know, anybody can open the door for you. That, that's so, that's so, so true. And I think, you know, we get stuck on these old ways and you know, Tara and I was just having a conversation yesterday, you know, about, you know, my father and you know, how he expects my mom to cook dinner and, you know, show up the old school ways and this, that and the other, and you know, that's, that's what he expects.
And you know, and you know, my mom doesn't cook for her for, for my dad anymore. And I shared with Tara, I said, you know that. Did you? You, you weren't there, right? You weren't there and you weren't hearing my mother, you know, go berserk and go crazy and you know, after a while me and my sister, you know, would always think that it was my, my father that was going off and being stupid and being ignorant. And we sat there one day, I'll never forget, and we, like that was the problem. Mom was a damn problem. Mom was instigating shit, making shit, walking away from conversations getting loud, getting ignorant. And dad would just be outside like, what the fuck? You know, and you know, and then mom would, you know, weaponize shit and take, take things away from him and you know, do now I never forget this. My mom got so mad at my dad, we went to the Galleria in Houston and she got itching powder and she put it all in his drawers, all in his Clothes and his ass was itching for like two, three weeks. And she did that and act like nothing happened. And I just had to sit there.
Mama was vicious, you know, my mom wasn't playing, you know, And. And the crazy thing about it is, is they were both doing the same damn thing at the end. At the end of the day. And the crazy thing about it is, is that, you know, these things get forgotten. And we, we, you know, portray people as this certain way, but they don't understand the reason why.
And we forget how we show up and what we did and we hold accountable to what other people did and why they reacted and they responded to how you showed up. Now, you know, some of the shit that they did was just ridiculously insane and crazy, you know, and that's the reason why I don't have kids now. You know, my mom comes on, you ain't. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm. This cycle ends here. This trauma is done, right?
Especially when you're. When your own father tells you he doesn't know the name of your business and you only own a cat and he does and he doesn't want to see you ever again. And so, no, I don't want to have any kids, not to bring them into that cycle. So, you know, this is just a situation where we have to be aware of how we show up, right? And what we give life to and what we breathe into it. And especially just uncovering all of these things and how we react and how we show up,
[00:28:46] Speaker B: you know, and you're right, David, because it. What happens is when you go in and you're doing all this crazy chaos, you're not happy until you have the chaos. But it eats away at who you are as a person.
[00:29:02] Speaker E: It.
[00:29:03] Speaker B: And it sets a really bad example for your kids. For example, I was listening to this lady and she was saying, well, her man cheated on her, so she went back and cheated on him because of his fraction, but she never told him.
And I'm like, so you got your get back, right? And how does it make you feel?
Because what you did was dishonor yourself when you did it just to get back at him. And it's like, look, you got to live in your power. You got to reclaim your power because you may end up with someone that is only that to you one day. Now, people that deal with shitty people, right? And when the. Is this dirty and then you. You surround yourself with shitty people, what are you going to become then? You're gonna be shitty too. So you can't. That's no way to have a relationship, and that's not helping you heal. All you're doing is staying in this whirlwind and this tornado of chaos. But some people like that, and that's what they attract and that's what they like. But when you come to love yourself, that you're going to choose peace over the chaos, and you're gonna choose bounds over burning mountain. You're gonna be honest and you're gonna stop pretending.
You're gonna be happy to have peace and solitude, and you're not going to settle for just any man that walks in your life and wants to disrupt it. Let me tell you something. People that love themselves recognize when they got a piece of man sitting in front of them, okay? They recognize it, and that's powerful. When you can recognize those red flags, because you're no longer bound by desperation, you are able to be yourself and be who you are truly. See, when you don't love yourself, then you maximize potential, right?
And you think that the. The dude holding the door for you and buying you a bite to eat. Well, I think he. We could really go somewhere with that. Look, some people feed homeless people. That don't mean you gotta let them in your life, you know, but you. You'll say, he trying.
He trying for three years and he don't have a job. He's not trying.
He's using you, or he didn't mean it, or they'll change. If you're sitting around and waiting for them to change, you haven't done the work that you need to do on yourself because you would not have attracted that kind of person to start with if you weren't off those signals in the meantime. Now you got red flags all over the place. You're not listening to them because you want to do.
You want to do it.
[00:31:56] Speaker C: You're. You are so spot on, Mr. Niece. You know that? That's the crazy part. You know, a homeless man can feed you. You be coming up with some great jokes. We're gonna put you on comedy tour, you know, and it's just. It's just a way for us to really be able to take a step back. And I think, you know, this next video, this next clip that we'll play is definitely going to showcase a little bit more. You guys might know this individual Method man from Power. From how high? From all these amazing movies. It's just amazing the transition that this guy has made, especially when you hear him as a man individually talk about, you know, Mental health this month is, you know, men's health awareness as well. So all the man, happy early Father's Day as well to you guys coming up this Sunday. And so really, this goes tune in tune. Especially when we talk about relationships, loving yourself. I think a lot of the Times, Ms. Denise, we talk about the women, we talk about yalls feelings, we talk about, you know, how yalls emotions. But you know, us as men, we have them as well. And we been told, don't cry, don't show emotions, don't do this, don't do that. And it suppresses all these things. And then y' all expect us to, you know, all of a sudden get them this relationship and, you know, pop out with them. And that's just not how easy it happens. You know, we've been told that we were weak. You know, you can't do this, you can't do that. And then, not only that, you get in a relationship and you do open up, it instantly gets weaponized against you. When you do get into fights and you do get upset, because that's just what people do. Friends, relationships, just in general, you open up to people, people are going to find that weakness and they're going to use it. And so this is what we really have to, you know, ask yourself, what are you doing and how are you showing up? And do you want to stoop down to that level and join people? And this is where the vibration, this is where the energy, this is where, do you want to be rich or do you want to be right? Shows up. And a lot of the times people choose to be right other than rich. And when I say rich, I don't mean rich in money. I mean rich in peace rich and just letting things go rich and, you know, picking your battles rich. And you know, David, you're right for the better good of a relationship.
[00:34:05] Speaker B: Yeah, you're absolutely right, you know, because the people.
What you need to keep in mind is the people, the same things against you are un. Heal themselves. And they see you trying to move on and progress, but they want to keep you back where they are.
[00:34:25] Speaker C: Yep, exactly. Right. So here we go with this clip. Let's get it. Let's show it.
[00:34:30] Speaker E: If you want different for yourself, gotta
[00:34:33] Speaker B: do different for yourself.
[00:34:34] Speaker E: It's more or less like, if I
[00:34:37] Speaker C: can't control anything in this world, I
[00:34:39] Speaker B: can control my ways and my actions.
So I'll start there.
[00:34:43] Speaker E: And I just followed that blueprint.
[00:34:45] Speaker C: If you want different for yourself, you got to do. You got to do something different, right? You got you got to show up different is what Method man is talking about. And that's exactly what we were just talking about, Ms. Denise, is, you know, you got to show up differently, you know, for yourself, for you to be able to show up better for other people as well. What's your thoughts?
[00:35:06] Speaker B: Hey, man, my thing is if you can't control anybody else's actions, but you're on. So that's where you need to start at. A lot of times everyone say you, you did this and you did that. Forget that. You. You can't. Now. People can't do you wrong and tell you how you're supposed to feel about it. You know, they can't tell you how it's supposed to affect you, but you actually have the key to how you deal with it, how you manage it, how you show up to it, and. But that is what gives you your power.
You know, when you heal, you attract differently, you act differently. And some people get uncomfortable with that. And sometimes the relationship that you have failed is because your wounds are choosing your partners, not you.
Because of always having chaos in your. In your life. And that's something to think about. You know, I'm gonna say that again. The reason your relationships keep failing is because your wounds are choosing your partner. So how do you stop that?
You heal yourself, whether it's through self help, books, therapy, counseling, whatever. But you have got to take care of yourself before you can really, really feel like in a position to tell someone else what to do with their lives.
Because you're gonna attract inconsistency when you're unhealed. You're gonna attract chaos. You're gonna attract emotionally unavailable people to you, people that manipulate you. And then you're gonna continue in these toxic attachment cycles. And why? Because that dysfunction feels familiar. And some people confuse anxiety with chemistry, and that's not peace.
But they think peace is born because they're so used to all the.
Around them all the time. And then at first it's toxic. Now it's passion.
No, that's not what passion is. The whole way that people think about this is so twisted. Look, arguing every day don't make you feel soulmate. It causes exhaustion. Healing changes what feels attractive to you. You're not going to want somebody that you got to stand up and go toe to toe with every 10 minutes. Don't mean that when you were in your chaotic stage, you didn't enjoy it, but you've progressed, you've grown, and that's not who you are anymore. And you'll stop Entertaining people, too, that trigger those wounds in you. You'll stop calling that emotional confusion love. And then suddenly you're realizing that you were accepting survival, that a connection. It was like, as long as I got somebody, I'm okay. But the wrong somebody will make your life a living hell. And you, in turn, because you haven't healed, you could get a good man. But you're so used to being messy and chaotic that you're gonna screw it up because you don't feel that you deserve that.
[00:38:27] Speaker C: Those feelings get you in trouble. Get you in trouble, you know, And. And I. And I.
I show, you know, with Tara, you know, there's feelings over facts, you know, and she hates it when I say that, but I'm like, baby, we not gonna discontinue facts. You know, one plus one is two. And, you know, you can feel that it equals three or four. Now. Now we talk about some alternative fact shit. That. That ain't gonna work. Not. Not in this household, right? So this is where we. We have to really be able to take a step back and ask ourselves, you know, what am I allowing to run the show? Am I allowing my feelings to run the show? Or am I really being logical and using common sense and, you know, and playing fair? And I think that's what it comes down to is really accepting how you show up and what you do and taking ownership and responsibility and ownership of, you know, hey, look, I did do that, and I can't be doing that and making sure you're not continuing that. That cycle, which then that in itself is what destroys relationships, I think, is a continuing pattern of people not being willing to, you know, change the same things that they know. That just doesn't work right, because it's a pattern of how they react and how they respond in life.
[00:39:53] Speaker B: You know, David, I. Because of trauma, I was a hard cookie to crack, and I always felt like I had to be on guard. And I had a husband who was the total opposite of me. He's calm, he's cool, he's collected. Now, if he raises his voice, everybody pays attention, because that's not what he does.
But when I finally stopped feeling like I had to be in a protective mode all the time, it totally changed the relationship. Relationship. You know, it's kind of like, you got that. You got to have this mirror moment. You got to have this moment where you really look at yourself and you shut up and you get quiet and you get real, because it requires that you're honest in this. You can't keep demanding from somebody else. But you're not willing to give yourself. You know, you want loyalty, be loyal, you want respect, be respectful. You want honesty. Stop lying to yourself about what? What is it that hurts you so you can be honest with someone else because you know when something feels wrong, you know we're drinking, you know when you're playing pick me and settling and emotionally drained and just all the time and up and in chaos. But some people, people because being chosen feels better than being on alone. That's not a way to live your life. And that's where self love comes in and that's where self love matters. Because when you love yourself, you're no longer afraid of being alone because guess what? You enjoy yourself and you're not willing to portray betray yourself for a relationship.
Any thoughts on that? David?
[00:41:42] Speaker C: You know I think first and foremost I think what you need to do is you need to share, you know more about your journals and where people can go get your journals where you talk about these things, you know, and before I share anything, so tell them where they can go and talk about your journals and all the amazing things you got going down.
[00:41:58] Speaker B: Well, you can go to cdkingnaturals.com in there. I have journals on self love. I have a journal on prayer. I have journals where you can literally sit down and it will have prompts in it and a lot of this comes from I'm knowing what the prompts to put in because I've been there. And then you can be honest and look at yourself in the mirror and say is this really what I'm doing? So go on over there to CD King Natural and.com and and get one of those journals and really take time to sit with yourself. There are also self love and self help books over there as well. Don't forget I want you to get a copy of the newsletter. It's free, you don't have to pay anything for it. And it helps to sum up some of the things that we talk about in my podcast and of course I want you to come to my podcast. You can follow me on Facebook, you can follow me on YouTube, you can TikTok and Instagram and we're you know we're expanding a little bit more soon just substack in some other areas. But you know the help is there, you just need to get it. If you need you would like them camp link then please you know sign up for a discovery call and I will be glad to talk with you and see what it is that you're looking for. And kind of help you plan out how you can get there.
Because I'm telling you, and I know this from personal experience, when you break down all those barriers and you dig back, back and you look at where you were and you hear those things, you're a lot better.
Also, my book that is up there on reclaiming my voice, the first chapter of this book is free. And I'm hoping to have this book finished and out in the next month or so. So go ahead. And when you, you know, when the book comes out, you read the story, you will totally understand why I think the way I do and what I had to do to change my life, to make it work for me. But go ahead and get the first chapter with your appetite.
[00:44:31] Speaker C: Yeah, absolutely. You guys go to cdkingnaturals.com and make sure you get that actual amazing free chapter and check out all the amazing journals and you know, be able to just share it with somebody. There's something, somebody, you know, a girl. You need to listen to this podcast because you having trouble with your relationship. And this might be a way. And this could be your way of helping or this could be your way of nudging them and telling their ass they need to get out like the movie. Okay? And crazy thing I would like for you to tell them.
[00:45:04] Speaker B: I want you to tell. I want them to tell you, tell them how they can reach you. Because my amazing biz in the box, which you guys might call a website, was built by David and Tara. So tell them how they can contact you, David.
[00:45:20] Speaker C: Yeah, absolutely. You can go to the HELLO LLC IO hello stands for helping entrepreneurs leverage leading edge optimizations. It is an acronym and that's what it stands for. It's not just hello for no reason. And you know, this is what we do is we want more for you than from you at the end of the day and building your business and building your brand and doing these amazing podcasts and really allowing people to show up and be authentic as what we do. Because that's what we do, right? As we have no bars. Because at the end of the day, as what we share with people, I show people, you know, they make passes for one and they don't make and u hauls don't follow you, you know, to your grave. And so at the end of the day when you do die, people gonna go to your funeral.
[00:46:05] Speaker B: Funeral.
[00:46:05] Speaker C: They're gonna go out to eat, they're gonna talk a couple stories about you. And after they get finished eating, they're gonna have a drink. And at the End of the night, you're gonna be forgotten about and they're going to work the next day. And your loved ones, they gonna still gonna be boohooing for like the next two or three months. But by six, by six months, you are just a fake memory. And off to off, off to the dust you go. So live your life to the fullest right now and have no regrets. And do, and do everything you want to do now and do it now. Don't wait and say, oh, I'm a start Monday. Oh, I'm a wait and I'm starting next week. I'm a wait until my kids got out of school. I'm a wait until. This ain't no damn waiting. Do it now. Because everything in between is nothing more than an excuse and scared. Money don't make money at the end of the day. And when we talk about money, especially right now, where our dollars are going, you have plenty of money. It's your priorities that are out of whack that we really got to look at. You got money to go out to eat. You got money on that bag. You got money on that purse. You got money on happy hour. You got money for all this high, expensive gas. Go sit your ass down somewhere and be with yourself and meditate and go work out, as that lady says. Some of y' all need to spend your time at the gym. Some of y' all need to spend your time at the therapist instead of spending your time, you know, at happy hour every, you know, every other week or every every damn day. So it's really where I'm gonna tell you the truth. At the end of the day, people gotta get their shit together and really be able to, you know, understand that this AI, this new technology, this global finance, all of these things are shifting. And we're living in the greatest era to be able to do that. And now more than ever, your relationship has to be strong because we're about to be challenged. I just shared with Tara the other day, I said, baby, the devil does not attack unsuccessful people. And this mofo is attacking us from every angle possible to try to tear us apart and try to rip what we got going. And we're not going to allow that to happen. He's tried our family, he's tried our friends. He's definitely been trying our asses against each other. And that little voice that. That tiger inside of our head is working double time to destroy the shit. And we both gonna be homeless if we keep listening to this damn tiger. So let's buckle this up and let's get our together and let's move forward. And I encourage you all to have that conversation with yourself and understand. Devil is alive. Do not get it twisted. We talk about the good, there's also the bad. And it shows up in different forms, different variations. Your biceps, their vices, and being able to be onerous of those vices and really stand tall and 10 toes down on it. Understand? Hey, this is all I got. This ain't no damn video game. There's no redo. This ain't no retry. This is it. So buckle up, buttercups. That's what I got.
[00:48:58] Speaker B: Okay, so I'm gonna leave you all with this.
Nobody can love you into loving yourself. Not a relationship, not a marriage, not attention, not validation, not sex, not money.
Love is an inside job. And until you face yourself honestly, you will keep asking other people to repair those wounds. And they didn't create those wounds. So heal yourself enough to stop begging for crumbs. Heal yourself enough to stop accepting crumbs and to be able to walk away away from disrespect. Heal yourself enough to stop confusing attention with love. Because the goal is not to find somebody to complete you. The goal is to become whole enough that love becomes a bonus and not a lifeline.
And that's the kind of love that changes everything. If you know of someone that could benefit from this information that we've talked about this today, then please make sure you share it with with them and and do wreck them to this podcast. This podcast is not for beating anyone up. This podcast is for healing. However, myself, nor David is always gonna say this stuff. Sweet Millie mouth. That's not my personality, but it's stuff that needs to be said. So look, until the next time that we get up here, what I want you to do is to stay bold, stay honest, and keep loving yourself unfiltered.
Thank you David, and good night everyone.
[00:50:42] Speaker E: The reason you keep attracting the same kind people is not bad luck or coincidence. It is an unhealed pattern looking for familiarity.
When the same dynamic keeps showing up in different faces. The common factor is you.
Not because you are broken, because something inside you recognizes that energy is familiar. And familiar feels like home, even when home was never safe.
You do not attract what you want, you attract what you know.
Until you go back and heal the original wound, you will keep choosing the same lesson in different packaging. The pattern ends when you understand it, not before.
As the elders knew. If you keep ending up in the same place, look at the road. You keep choosing change the road.
[00:51:27] Speaker A: Hi there, I'm Denise King, the heart behind CD King Naturals, where self love meets natural wellness.
With over 29 years as a compassionate nurse and a passion for empowering you, I've created a space to help you embrace bliss, balance and confidence.
From personalized coaching sessions and E courses to empowering self care ebooks, everything we do is designed to inspire you to thrive.
Why choose us?
Because we're not just a business. We're a movement for self love, empowerment and holistic living.
Ready to take the next steps?
Visit us today@cdking naturals.com your journey to bliss starts here.
CD King Naturals empowering Self Love Naturally.
